Saturday, 27 July 2013

Number 60

Analyse yourself with ... Well, '99 Things To Do Between Here and Heaven' suggest the  Myers-Briggs personality test, but I can't find a free version - so I would recommend giving the Enneagram a go. 

There's the test and more, and more:


What's the point? In my experience, I found that standing back and taking a good look at myself, actually trying to find out what makes me tick,  was the very beginning of a spiritual awakening. I haven't ordered my thoughts very logically, not being a Type Five, so I will present you with a jumble and let you make what you will of it.

Looking back on my pre-Enneagram days, I recognise that I was a sleep-walker, reacting to situations with varying degrees of irritation, using the superficial niceness  of the ever-helpful Type Two to manipulate people and events to my own advantage. I did this unconsciously: I thought I was being good. 

I'm not bothered by this particularly. Making the best of what's happening to us is what we all do. We just go about it in different ways. 

The crunch came when I stopped to look, and I saw what I was doing. I was gutted. I'm not going to claim any great revolution here, I am just as capable of wheedling, self-serving, manipulative behaviours now, as I was then. The difference now, is that I am aware of them. 

Awareness. Now there's a thing. Weird. I discovered within myself a different level of consciousness,  - a 'new  creation' in Christian terms. A Self that is both Myself and an otherness that silently, serenely, watches the game-playing child that wants to run my life. There is no judgement, no accusation, just a superabundance of knowing that comes with a continual up- welling of joy. 

The game-playing still goes on, it's a true part of me, but it is losing its appeal. I'm not worried about me, but really, I do make myself laugh.

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