Rummaging Through The Mystics

Being rather unwell, having cancelled all I was supposed to do, I spent the afternoon surfing the gurunet searching for enlightenment. Richard Rohr, a Catholic priest whom I much admire,  teaches that you cannot give away your own enlightenment. A truer word was never spoken, I have discovered that you have to flog it.

Now everyone has to make a living, and this is not a knockblog, so I am not going to pour scorn on the varied and marvellous offerings that I sampled today, I am just going to offer the seekers of this world the complete enlightenment package for FREE.

There are seven stepping stones across the River of Life to The Gardens of Eternity and here they are:

1. Put yourself in touch with your soul. (Tip: This is the part of you that gets you crying at weddings, if you are female, and at football matches if you're a man. )You could try hours and hours of meditative practices, or you could have a couple of beers. Both work, though not necessarily to the same extent.

2. Have a good look at the stories you tell about yourself, and rewrite them. I'm not suggesting that you tell porkies, just that you start a whole new narrative that begins, 'Today is going to be a good day. ' Believe me, you might as well.

3. Shut up. Now a true mystic would call this, 'entering the great silence' but personally, I find buttoning my lip just as effective. It's amazing how enlightened people think you are if you don't open your mouth.

4. Smile a lot. Faked benevolence is the next best thing to true benevolence, and you never know...

5. Learn to play a musical instrument that rings, vibrates or bangs. One that bangs is my choice for beginners.

6. Wear floaty clothes, learn to attach your heels to your thighs and ( when not observing #3) chant. 'Om' will do if you lack imagination.

7. Skip steps 1-6 and love your neighbour as you love yourself.

Now comes the sales pitch. It is obvious that palms must be crossed with silver for the PIE (Programme for Instant Enlightenment) to work, so keep enough change in your pocket to buy a large latte ,and give it away to the first beggar you come across.